Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Here’s a poem I wrote called “In the time of COVID.”

I got your hugs today

that I can go on and that I am never alone

— Hugs

Dear Hugs: I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for this wonderful poem. May it be an inspiration to all those who feel alone — to know that they are loved.

Dear Annie: I find myself becoming apathetic toward my friend. We are both in our early to mid-20s, and where I have never been in a relationship, she is recently divorced. Initially, I was very supportive, offering to do whatever she needed help with. I volunteered to act as a distraction whenever she needed it.

Although her divorce was amicable at first, it has started turning messy. She is the one who initiated the divorce, and her ex-husband is reacting in what I would consider a reasonable manner. For instance, she wanted to stay best friends, but he did not. However, her reactions to these boundaries are shock and surprise, which I am having trouble understanding. She gets angry with the way he is acting and doesn’t seem to understand that, even though she is fine, he needs time and space.

It seems that all of our conversations have turned toward how much she hates him. She displays their private messages, even when I don’t ask about them. While I understand this is a big part of her life, I am over it. I offered my support initially, but I am finding it harder and harder to do so. It is a constant negative presence, which she brought on herself, and I don’t understand why she can’t see that.

Are my thoughts unreasonable, and, if so, what should I do about them? — Aligning With Apathy

Dear Apathy: Try putting your thoughts down on paper and then expressing them to your friend. Being a good friend is not pretending that everything your friend is doing is OK. We all make mistakes, and sometimes it is up to our friends to point them out — lovingly, of course. But you are building up resentment toward your friend, and you run the risk of ruining your friendship. She is clearly struggling right, wanting to have her cake and eat it, too, with her ex-husband. And your instinct that that is not fair to him is a right one. But she probably doesn’t realize the extent of her negativity. That’s when a friend’s tough love comes in handy.

Now, if she gets angry with you and continues on negative rants, then let her know that the toxic negativity cannot continue and that she has to accept her ex’s wishes to create boundaries with him. If she still gives you a hard time, then it’s time to give her some space and back away. But don’t back away before you have taken all the steps to try to help your friend first.

Dear Annie: I would like to comment on the letter you received about the daughter-in-law who is a people pleaser and wants her mother-in-law to like her. I am the granddaughter of a mother-in-law who was just like that. I grew up knowing my grandmother did not like my mom or any female who married into the family. I heard her say, “Your mother (insert backhanded compliment),” or, “I don’t like your hairstyle; it looks like (insert name of aunt who married into the family).”

As a result, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I was never good enough. This behavior was also extended to several cousins who had a mom who was not my grandmother’s biological child. I am now in my 50s, and the pain has not gone away. With therapy, it has lessened.

I would tell this wife and mother to stop. Her mother-in-law obviously does not want a relationship. I am sure she would not want the behavior that the mother-in-law is exhibiting to be extended to her children.

She should count herself lucky that this toxic woman does not want to be in her life. Sadly, my grandmother did not have any type of relationship with my children and could never understand why I did not have unwavering adoration for her. — Outlawed In-laws’ Daughter.

Dear Outlawed In-laws’ Daughter: How someone treats you says a lot more about how she feels about herself than it does about you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Don’t ever give your unhappy grandmother your consent for her to make you feel inferior. Giving backhanded compliments or making petty comments about someone’s hairstyle never truly feels good on the inside. My hunch is that when these difficult mothers-in-law put their heads down on the pillow at night after being so mean to all the females in their lives, they have trouble sleeping or even just living a joyful life.

Continue to work with your therapist on your depression and anxiety. And always remember that you are enough. The purpose of life is not to be perfect; the purpose is to enjoy the ride.

Dear Annie: I have been a longtime reader of your column, and I have a problem that I’m sure others may have. I have been fully vaccinated because I work with young children. My husband has asthma, and I have several health concerns. Much to our delight, out eldest daughter is expecting our first grandchild in the fall.

My husband refuses to be vaccinated, and our daughter doesn’t want anyone around her newborn who is not vaccinated. My husband has been a good father, but this is very upsetting to me.

He belongs to a very conservative organization that is extremely anti-government. They believe these vaccines will eventually kill us and are part of a worldwide scam to steal our rights. He dismisses any information I provide as disinformation spread by the mainstream media.

I was looking forward to sharing the joys of grandchildren but will now have to do it alone. I feel he has put faith in this organization above his family. What can I do? — No Vaccine Support

Dear No Vaccine Support: Congratulations on your first grandchild. Your husband will have to live with the consequences of not holding and bonding with his grandchild. Rather than trying to persuade him with information, focus on the fun and fulfillment you will feel and have with your new grandchild. And if the child looks like him or acts like him, be sure to tell him. In time, he just might come around.

Editor’s note: Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.