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Week 4: My girlfriend routed me in fantasy football last week
September 26, 2013 - Matt Wellens
If part of your job includes having to pick the winners and losers of NFL games each week, you should never go 7-9 like I did last week, especially when you are picking games straight up.
Well that’s what I did last week, missing wins by the Bengals, Lions, Chiefs, Ravens, Panthers, Browns, Dolphins, Jets and Colts.
But it gets worse, much worse. As it turns out, taking bad advice from Detroit Lions’ fans Casey Ford and Craig Remsburg — who both said to pick Washington — was the least of my worries.
I lost to my girlfriend in fantasy football.
I’m sorry. That last sentence wasn’t very accurate. I didn’t just lose to my girlfriend. I got smoked by her in fantasy football.
It wasn’t even close — ever — with the final score being 124.06-77.96, well in her favor. I thought she had a beating coming her way, especially when Yahoo projected me to be victorious 106.12-89.96.
I also thought she deserved a loss because she tried to keep me out of her and her friends’ league, not because she feared my awesomeness — 2012-13 ESPN 970 AM champion right here. She wanted me to help her beat her friends.
She intercepted and denied their first request, but her friends caught up with me, learned of my significant other’s plan and foiled it to happily welcome me to their league.
Compared to the veterans of my ESPN U.P. league, I thought my girlfriend’s league would be easy. I did after all end up drafting Aaron Rodgers, Matt Forte, Marshawn Lynch, Chris Johnson and C.J. Spiller, among other highly-touted picks.
After three weeks, I’m 1-2 and rank sixth out of eight teams in the standings and in total points.
She’s now undefeated and laughing. I’m not, and neither are her friends, who are all looking up at her in the standings.
So as you see, 7-9 is the least of my worries right now.
At least I didn’t lose all my dignity this week. That honor belongs to WLUC TV6 assignment editor Bill Blohm.
He didn’t just lose this week in the ESPN U.P. fantasy league in Week 3. He lost to me — AKA the guy who got whopped by his girlfriend in fantasy football.
Now on to my picks, which each week will include a short analysis on the Packers’ and Lions’ games, plus the three primetime games on NFL Network, NBC and ESPN. The rest of my picks will follow.
Note the Packers are on the bye this week, so I’ll add a wild card.
Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions, 1 p.m., Sunday, FOX
The Bears at 3-0 and the Lions at 2-1 sit atop the NFC North Division after three weeks, but their combined 5-1 record is very deceiving at this point. The Lions’ opponents are a combined 1-8 with the Cardinals one win coming against Detroit. The Bears have some legitimacy having beat the Cincinnati Bengals, but their other two wins have come against the winless Minnesota Vikings and Pittsburgh Steelers. The Bears have legitimacy. The Lions don’t. Bears 21, Lions 17
The 49ers lost and tied the Rams last season and based on the Niners performance the last two weeks, I wouldn’t be surprised if either happened again. Of course, the Rams are nowhere near the caliber of the Seattle Seahawks or Indianapolis Colts. 49ers 16, Rams 13
Brett Favre’s agent Bus Cook ran his mouth Tuesday, saying the Ole Gunslinger is “in the best shape I’ve ever seen him in, physically. His arms look like a blacksmith’s arms.” Cook who mysteriously knows what blacksmith’s arms look like, insists he’s not talking up Favre for a comeback. Those guns have been holstered. That’s too bad, because No. 4 can’t be any worse than Vikings QB Christian Ponder. Just ask Favre’s former Green Bay teammate, Greg Jennings, who has 11 catches for 160 yards and no TDs in three weeks. Steelers 17, Vikings 14
Despite throwing to players less known than new Cleveland Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Tom Brady is leading the Patriots to victory each week. Meanwhile, the Falcons are coming off a tanking normally reserved for the NFC Divisional Playoffs. Patriots 31, Falcons 28
With wins over the Indianapolis Colts and Falcons, I’m honestly impressed with the Miami Dolphins, who have knocked off Super Bowl contenders in back-to-back weeks. I’d make it three in a row for Miami, but not in New Orleans. Saints 27, Dolphins 24
Here’s the rest of my picks with my winners in bold:
Ravens at Bills
Cardinals at Buccaneers
Giants at Chiefs
Colts at Jaguars
Seahawks at Texans
Bengals at Browns
Jets at Titans
Redskins at Raiders
Eagles at Broncos
Cowboys at Chargers
Last week: 7-9. Overall: 28-20.
Matt Wellens is Sports Editor of the Mining Journal. Check out his Armchair QB column every Thursday at MiningJournal.net and follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/mattwellens. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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