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Dear Annie

Breaking cycle of guilt and pain

Annie Lane, syndicated columnist

Dear Annie: About two years ago I was pregnant with my firstborn. About five months into the pregnancy, my partner, the father, cheated on me. When I found out about it, I was devastated; I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I felt he did it to me on purpose with the reasoning of “getting even” because I’d cheated on him years before. It was one time, and I felt pushed away and insecure at the time. Of course, cheating didn’t make me feel better; it made me feel worse.

His cheating on me while I was pregnant made me feel that I didn’t mean anything to him. I felt stupid because it was someone we knew, someone I was hanging around thinking that nothing was going on between them. I’ve even hosted her at our house with a few other people even though they were messing around with each other during that time.

Now I feel back in the same place, and I don’t know how to stop this running circle of guilt, like it was my fault he cheated on me. I really wish I could get over it and move on, because that’s what I should do. But I have flashbacks and make up scenarios in my head. Please give me some advice. I’m tired of feeling this way. I need a way to let go of this heavy weight on my shoulders. — Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love: He needs to help you take that weight off your shoulders. It is possible to move past cheating in a relationship, but only with sincere remorse, a commitment to healing the wounds and a willingness to have trust restored. You both need to either work together toward those tenets or consider separating now and cultivating a respectful nonromantic relationship as co-parents for the long-term.

Editor’s note: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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