DEAR ABBY: My niece, “Amelia,” was a straight-A student in high school. She took advanced placement courses from 10th grade through 12th and was in all honors classes. She talked about going into the medical field after she got her college degree. Before starting college she wanted to take a year off and just live life because she’d had so many college-level courses almost her entire high school life.

My sister (her mother) and I talk every day. Amelia has left home now and returned to their home state of Ohio because she loved it there when she was younger. She hasn’t decided what she wants to go to school for and thinks she can afford to attend college full-time, have an apartment on her own and pay for everything she needs. No matter how many times my sister tells her she needs to move back home and attend college here so she can finish her education, Amelia still seems to think she can do it all. My sister is afraid if she pushes her too much, she will shut down. What can we do to make this girl realize life will be easier at home and with support? — AUNT WHO CARES IN THE SOUTH

DEAR AUNT: Amelia may be suffering from burnout, which is why she wants a gap year before starting college. Because she’s an adult now, she may also want some freedom that she can’t have if she lives at home. The more your sister pressures her, the more Amelia will dig her heels in, so the matter should be put on the back burner for now. When the subject is raised again, it should be in a non-confrontational manner — with a spreadsheet handy so your niece can show her mother how she plans to finance her new lifestyle.

Amelia is a high achiever. Give her credit for intelligence. She may or may not change her mind about medicine being a career she wants to pursue. This is a decision she should make without pressure, as well-intentioned as it may be.

DEAR ABBY: I am doing an ancestry search to present to my sister-in-law “Kate” as a surprise birthday gift. While doing the search, I discovered that her late mother, “Ellen,” has a sister who lives nearby. My brother believes Kate knows nothing about her. For unknown reasons, Ellen hadn’t spoken to almost her entire family in years; therefore, Kate knows little about them.

We’re not sure if I should include Ellen’s sister in the ancestry or not. I think Kate has the right to know, but I don’t want to upset her. Kate and Ellen were very close, and I’m afraid if she knew her mother withheld that information, it may cause her pain, even though Ellen has been gone nearly 15 years. What are your thoughts? — DON’T WANT TO CAUSE PAIN

DEAR DON’T: There is always a reason for family estrangements. Ellen may have been hurt or mistreated by her relatives, which is why she separated herself from them. However, Kate is an adult and should have the information you discovered to do with as she pleases, which includes ignoring it.

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DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for five years. I have sole custody of our 6-year-old son, “Charlie.” My ex lives five hours away with his current wife and her four children. He makes time to see our son only a few times a year.

Anytime he drives down to see Charlie, he always brings someone with him, whether it’s his wife or one of her kids. He has never once come alone to spend quality one-on-one time with his son. I have asked him several times to come by himself so he can bond with Charlie, but he refuses.

Charlie is having foot surgery next month and will be in the hospital overnight. My ex wants to be there, which I agree with. But he insists that his wife be there, too. I understand she’s our son’s stepmother, but she doesn’t play an active role in Charlie’s life, and I don’t think it’s her place to be there. Our son needs his mother and father and immediate family, not the “step” family.

Am I wrong to not want her or any of her family members there? I feel it’s inappropriate and that my ex should do this on his own. And, no, I don’t have any feelings for him, and I do not want him back. I also hold no ill feelings toward his current wife. — STRUGGLING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STRUGGLING: Your ex, his wife and her kids are a package deal. Accept this and be glad he visits his son. Surgery is no fun and can be intimidating for a child. When it’s time for the procedure, your son may need all the moral support he can get. So take the high road and be warm and welcoming. Your function is to support your boy, not be his gatekeeper. And if history is prologue, I doubt they’ll stick around long.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went skydiving with my beautiful best friend, “Brenda.” At the airport, she overheard the skydiving instructor say he wanted “the pretty one.” He was talking about me.

Brenda took me aside and complained to me that he found me more attractive than her. Abby, usually she’s the one who gets all the second looks from guys. She was really annoyed that I got that kind of attention. This has left me wondering, what kind of best friend is she? I have never competed with her. What should I do? — BESTIE IN KANSAS

DEAR BESTIE: Take a fresh look at your relationship with her. Recognize that although you have never competed with Brenda, she appears to feel competitive with you. If the subject of the incident at the airport comes up again, remind her that although she is usually the one who gets the attention from guys, this was your turn. A true friend would be happy to share some of the spotlight.

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DEAR ABBY: Last week I was out with my family of 13 for dinner. My sister-in-law was sitting relaxed in her chair, stretching her back and extending her stomach. The waiter came over and, trying to make small talk, asked her, “What’s the occasion? Are you pregnant?” My sister-in-law isn’t pregnant, but her posture may have suggested it.

Well, my brother, her husband, went off on the man, calling him names, swearing, and causing a loud, uncomfortable scene. We all agreed the waiter was stupid to ask the question, but wasn’t my brother wrong here? He embarrassed all of us, and I don’t think there was any malicious intent on the part of the waiter. My brother stands behind his outburst and insists he wasn’t wrong.

This has happened before, and I’m sure it will happen in the future. What’s your suggestion for a better way to handle a situation like this, so maybe I can get through to my brother? — LOST MY APPETITE IN GEORGIA

DEAR LOST: The waiter should have quit after he asked if your party of 13 was celebrating a special occasion. To have asked whether your SIL was pregnant was a blunder, which I am betting was reflected in his tip. While I appreciate your brother’s desire to “protect” his wife, he accomplished nothing positive by creating a scene and embarrassing the family.

Because you mentioned that this has happened before and may happen in the future, it’s time for “the family” to suggest he get professional help for his anger issues. If this is how he behaves in public, I shudder to imagine what he’s like in private.

DEAR ABBY: When my son was 9 he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. He is now a college grad. Because I couldn’t fix his diabetes, I have tried to fix everything else in his life, and it hasn’t been pretty.

He was home for a visit the day his graduate school application was due. I bulldozed him into taking some punctuation advice on his letter of intent that turned out to be wrong. A few months later a rejection letter arrived, and I’m afraid my grammatical error caused it. I’m afraid his dreams were dashed because he trusted me. He doesn’t think the mistake had anything to do with the rejection, but I suspect he’s trying to protect my feelings because he’s such a nice person.

How important is perfect grammar on a grad school letter of intent? If my son has an above-average GPA, research experience, above-average GRE scores, but a grammatical error in his essay, could that one error put him out of contention? — TRYING TO MEDDLE NO MORE

DEAR TRYING: I seriously doubt that a misplaced comma would cause your son to be rejected from graduate school if he had all the other necessary qualifications. Listen to what he’s telling you, stop flogging yourself and, from now on, quit trying to bulldoze him and let him fly on his own. There is nothing to feel guilty about. With practice, you’ll get the hang of it.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.