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Dear Annie

New approach to thank-you notes

Dear Annie: “Numb and Lost” wrote to you regarding emotional detachment as a result of trauma and challenges in their life and struggles with finding proper therapy. As a 37-year-old male who has had difficulties and consequent challenges in therapy, I can relate.

In many ways, finding good therapy is its own battle, on top of the battle presented by whatever it is that causes us to seek therapy in the first place. It’s not fair, and it can make an already difficult situation seem all the more hopeless, but persistence is key.

I recommend the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI, as a starting point for anyone looking for help with their mental health. They can provide resources specific to a person’s location and situation. You can find them at NAMI.org.

Trying to find a good therapist can be a difficult journey. Take one step at a time. When you find a good one, it’s well worth it. — Persistent Waddler

Dear Persistent Waddler: You are correct that finding a good therapist can be a battle in and of itself. But it is well worth it. As Thomas Carlyle wrote, “Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.” Thank you for your letter.

Dear Annie: I am the person who wrote to you a few years ago about sending a box of thank-you notes and Forever Stamps as gifts to nonresponders. It was not very successful. This year, I rethought the problem and decided to be straightforward, at least with my own five grandchildren, who range in age from 11 to 25.

I decided that if I didn’t tell them, I shouldn’t expect them to read my mind. I told them straight out what my expectations would be going forward. “If I give you a gift in person,” I said, “you open it in front of me, and you thank me, and that is sufficient. If I send you a gift in the mail, I expect a timely communication saying that it has arrived and was appreciated.”

I explained that I don’t text, so I would need a phone call or email to inform me that the gift had actually arrived and was not lifted by a porch pirate. I told them that, henceforth, I would be maintaining two lists: a “gift” list, and a “cards only” list. If they don’t contact me in a timely fashion, they will be bumped to the “cards only” list.

One hasn’t been here to get his gift yet; one opened his gift in my presence; one called me from out of state, and we had a nice chat; and one opened his gift in my presence but called me anyway, saying, “Granny, I just wanted to be sure I stay on the ‘gift’ list.”

I haven’t heard from the last, the 11-year-old, so I will stick to my word when his birthday comes later in January. At some point, I might give him another chance, but NOT this year.

Seems like this will work! — Saying It Straight

Dear Saying It Straight: I love this approach. You are correct that people are not mind readers, and being direct with your expectations will help prevent many irritations before they become serious problems.

Editor’s note: “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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