Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I thought I would share some fantastic advice my husband and I received from a marriage counselor a few years ago during a very difficult patch in our 28-year relationship.

I tend to get worked up over things, i.e., injustices, politics, perceived slights, etc. My husband tends to underreact as a result, thinking he will diffuse my annoyance and anger. A marriage counselor pointed out that this action and reaction only made both of our reactions bigger. She suggested that if my husband could “rise up” a little more, even though it goes against his nature, I might not feel as though I have to get so upset over things.

Three days after we received this advice, we had an incident in which my husband FINALLY got as mad as I was about our situation and, lo and behold, I was the calm one! It was MAGIC.

I’ve talked with other friends who have similar relationships with their partners and suggested this strategy to them, and they, too, have had similar results.

It’s helped our marriage immensely. Even when I have to remind him to “rise up,” it still diffuses me more than if he were underreacting. Hopefully, this helps other couples.

Thanks for your great column! — Meet in the Middle

Dear Meet in the Middle: Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful advice. I am sure it will help other couples as well.

Dear Annie: Could you publish something about giving sympathy to those who have had to let a dear pet go either because their health dictated that euthanasia was the best alternative to keep them from suffering, or whether they passed on their own without veterinary assistance?

I recently lost my best friend to illness. He could not have gotten better, and the treatment would have been torture for him. We were extremely close, due to being constant companions during the pandemic. His loss was extremely hard for me.

Please advise people not to ask anyone who has had such a loss if they are going to get another pet. I know they mean well and are asking because they care, but this question can be very hurtful to those who cherish their pets as members of the family. Some folks want another pet right away, and others may take months or years before they are ready. Some folks opt not to get another pet at all because it hurts so much to lose them. — Lost My Best Friend

Dear Lost My Best Friend: I am very sorry for the loss of your pet. Thank you for sharing your letter. Hoping it brings more understanding to others.

Dear Annie: After reading the letter about the wife who is out capturing feral cats for spaying and neutering, you should be aware of the Herman Bennett Foundation, which provides free vouchers to vets to cover the costs. I’m sure there are other organizations as well that would help with the costs.

What she is doing is so valuable, not only for the cats but for the community. It shouldn’t be discouraged. — Longtime Reader and Admirer

Dear Longtime Reader and Admirer: Thank you for your kind words. I think whenever we can make this world a better place for both humans and animals, it is a good thing. The next letter gives us a perspective on this issue from Europe.

Dear Annie: I was born in Michigan but live in Italy, and I truly enjoy your column. I am writing about the letter from a frustrated husband signed “Done with Cats.” I want to address the husband directly in this letter.

I’m what they call here a “gattara,” which means I am a “cat woman.” My husband and I went through a similar situation to yours. When I discovered the existence of a colony of cats in my neighborhood, I registered it with the city’s humane society, which protected the colony by doing so. No animal is put down because they weren’t adopted.

Annie is right; your wife is doing a great service to the cats and community. Cats that are not neutered or spayed risk their lives with disease from cat fights when female cats and, yes, male cats go into heat, not to mention the dangers that roads and cars present to them. Your wife worries, as I do, about their lives, about how unfortunate they are to be outside in all weather extremes, and at first, it’s overwhelming.

I agree with you, after having been a “gattara” for 15 months, that there must be a compromise. My husband told me that all I ever talked about were the feral cats, AND HE WAS RIGHT! So I decided to talk less about them and be quicker with food times. He surprised me by helping me once in a while with moving a cat shelter or constructing one with me, or coming home with dry cat food when he saw it was on sale. If he asks me about the cats, I know to keep my answers short.

Your wife may also be developing friendships with these ladies, and they have a common cause. However, she does not need to go out every night. Experts can show her that you need to NOT feed the cat you want to capture for two days. You can try to feed the neutered ones, but all remaining food after they’ve eaten must be removed. Sometimes, you have to bite the bullet and not feed the entire colony for those days.

No cat will die of starvation from these measures; just make sure fresh water is always available. Then the trap is placed with tuna, sardines or roasted chicken to attract the cat to be neutered. The best time to catch feral cats is between 10:30 p.m. and midnight in the summer, and from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. in the winter. Also, I’ve started leaving food and water every two days instead of every day. Once a feral cat is captured, it is extremely rare it will enter the cage a second time.

Your wife is helping the cats, and with a little restraint on her part, and compromise from you, everyone will be better off. — Parma, Italy

Editor’s note: Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.